As The Blackness Came, It took Edward Away
by Lonewritersclub
Summary: Bella was lost during labor, the life after it, was difficult. Especially for Edward. The guilt... The loss... The sadness... He started loosing himself But soon he realized it could be for the better.
1. Chapter 1

They say that nothing matter in the end. No, everything matters. If not, then why did you live?

[1]

_Edward_

I took her to bed, read her a bedtime story and kissed her forehead. "Good night, my little angel." Renesmee squeezed my hand before I got up from the bed. I squeezed her little hand back and smiled to her lovingly.

I left her dreaming in her room and went to the living room. I sat by the fire on a leather armchair. I stared at the fire. Soon I would start mourning again. And no one will see me. I hope Renesmee doesn't hear it. But she couldn't. She wasn't thinking about it at least. Only nice little colors in her dreams. They calmed me a bit. But not enough.

Strangled sobs came through my tightly closed lips. Does she hear me? Does she love me still? God, I love her. This is so unfair... I want her back. I need her back. I'm falling into pieces and no one sees it. I'm thorn apart from life. A part of me belongs to Bella and when she left, she took it with her. Now that part of me is dead. But at least some of me was with her. But still it wasn't enough. My mind was down here. And my mind misses my heart.

I love Renesmee, but she loves Jacob. Jacob will be enough for her. He will take care of her I know that for sure. She just needs to have her father with her a little longer. I need to try to be with her as long as I could. Hold on. Be persistent.

I love my family too, but they have each other. And besides they don't need a depressed member in there family any longer. Jasper must have hated me for a long time for making him feel so sad as well. I could hear that my feelings were so strong that he couldn't make out his own feelings from them.

So I stayed in the cottage with Renesmee more often than at the Cullen house. But even with Renesmee the house wasn't my home. Because home is where your heart is. I got very confused about where I should be. But I think myself was aware of it and made it easier for me to understand. I was fading away. My armor was on me pretending to be me, when at the same time I was loosing myself in the inside. Loosing myself away.

But it only meant that soon I would find my home again.


	2. Chapter 2

The guilt waved through me, over and over again. It was so strong that it almost made me collapse on my knees. But I had to stay strong too. I wasn't ready to go yet. Oh, my Bella. Don't worry, I will be with you soon. My frail body wouldn't survive for long, that I was sure.

"Dad", Renesmee suddenly called me. I turned around from the heat of the oven. "Yes dear?"

"Is everything alright? You seem tense", she questioned me and sat on the bar stool. "Yes, everything's fine honey", I told her in the most reassuring voice I had. And of course she believed me and smiled. My little angel didn't need to worry about me or anything.

"Alice said that she will take me shopping today. Is that okay?" she asked and started eating her breakfast. "Are you going to Port Angels?" I asked and looked into the oven. The biscuits were almost ready. "We might go to Seattle actually. Alice said she preferred it", she answered. "Hmm... That isn't surprising. Well, I guess you can go. But get here before dinner and make sure she takes you to lunch too", I told her and leaned towards her over the counter. "Do you want biscuits with you? I can pack them im your bag if you want", I offered. Just in case she doesn't like the food in wherever they would have lunch. Or Renesmee would.

"Okay", she said. I gave her a peck on her forehead and took the sheet out of the oven. "They just need to cool for a moment", I said. I looked out of the little window in the kitchen. Alice was walking towards the front door. I quickly went to open it for her.

"Morning Edward", she greeted me smiling brightly as always. "Morning Alice", I greeted her back and closed the door after her. "Hello darling! Oh, you have grown again. Just in a night. You will be a tall girl. You get that from your father. Bella never was that tall and..." Alice started her usual babbling, but when she get to the sore topic I silenced her with a glare.

"Yeah, well are you going to let us go?" Alice asked me and apologized with a look in her eyes and stated it in her mind. "Yes, you can go. But stay safe", I ordered. I put the biscuits to a plastic container which I put into Renesmees little yellow bag.

"We will, I promise", Alice said and took a hold of Renesmee little hand. I handed Renesmee her bag. "Thanks."  
"I love you", I whispered in her ear making it tingle from the cool air of my breath. "I love you too, dad", Renesmee uttered to me. "Bye now, Eddie-meddie", Alice said with the annoying nickname she have given me. "Bye." And off they went.

Now I was alone with my troubled thoughts again. I sat onto the white sofa agonized. I huffed and pressed my hands to my face. What I was going to do? I knew enough of what would happen if I would stay alone for longer. I would completely breakdown. And that would benefit no one. And I would be in utter pain. Lost and only to be found when there was only left numbness in me.

I decided to go to the Cullen house which had been my home for almost a century. Emmett and Rosalie were cuddling on the sofa. Jasper tried to watch some kind of a movie at the same time, but was interrupted by the mood of desperation and depression in the middle love and satisfaction that radiated from Rosalie and Emmett.

"Edward." He seemed startled for some reason. Well, yes I haven't been in the house for some time now, but was it such of a shock that I came here now. Did they want me to be sad and alone in my own house? No, they just wanted me out of their happy lives. I was a tedious freak that interrupted them all from their lovely time.

Though their thoughts didn't reveal it, I still was certain about it. It only was a matter of time that they would have built enough courage to say it straight to my face that they wanted me out from their lives and didn't want to see me anymore. I had to make sure that I would leave before that, because I seriously didn't want to show them how weak I have become and then breakdown in front of them all.

"You okay man?" Jasper suddenly was in front of me that I almost fall over. "What?" I asked bewildered. "You just zoned off for a few minutes", he told he looking concerned. He wasn't worried about me, was he? I hope he wasn't. "I think you should go see Carlisle. He isn't at work today, because he got a day off", Jasper suggested to me. "No, no. I'm fine, eh", I said trying to smirk a bit to reassure him. I failed terribly.

"Is there something you want to talk about? I only sense sad moods from you. It's worrying me", he said and lead me to a more of a private area. "You got nothing to worry about, Jasper", I told him. "My gift says otherwise", he said back at me.

Carlisle appeared next to us. "Son, I'm worried too. You seem... off and so sad. I think you have become too reserved. You can talk to us, you know that? And I would really appreciate if you would speak to us now. If you're really fine, then that shouldn't be a problem", Carlisle said and placed his hand on my back. It felt uncomfortable. "I know that, but there's nothing to be talked about. Really. Or is this an intervention of some sort?" I wondered and furrowed my eyebrows.

"No, no! I just want to hear you out, son", Carlisle explained and went subtle with his facial expression. "I don't understand..."

"Jasper told me that you're deeply depressed. And you're trying to hide it. I don't want you to feel that way, and I definitely don't want you to think that you have to hide it from us. We just want to help you", he said at last saying what he really wanted to. He didn't let me read it from his mind yet so I couldn't understand him before it. But now he let me hear all the things he said mentally. It seemed that he thought my mind was wry. That couldn't be a good sign. He thought I was going mentally disturbed.

"I need to leave", I said emptily. Jasper and Carlisle could only see hollowness in my eyes. I felt like dying, but maybe that was what was happening. But I was already dead, so how was that even possible? Well I guess it still was as it slowly turned my mind off irreversible.


	3. Chapter 3

I was back home now. Well, it felt only like house now. I wanted Renesmee back home. I worried for her so much. I was afraid that something or someone would hurt her even though Alice was with her. But what if I would hurt her some day? Of course, yes, but aimlessly, after all it would be unavoidable.

I needed her with me. Sorrow suffused me again and I felt like drowning.

_Please, Bella, please, please, please. Come back. You can't leave me, no! I love you..._

The old echo ran through my head again.


	4. Chapter 4

One day it would happen...

I hadn't seen him coming. I had been too numb. But it was Jacob who had found me deep in the woods. Maybe I had been too close to the treaty-line. Or maybe he was just curious. I could only hope he wouldn't say anything to anyone.

Curled up in a ball in a cave, rocking back and forth in the dark corner. Crying my heart out without knowing it. "Edward", he had called. I didn't hear it, or didn't realize hearing it until I had felt his too hot hand on my shoulder. Still I hadn't done anything. I had stayed in my somewhat comforting position.

I think he had said something, but it had all been just mumbling to me and nothing that I could figure out to be important.

But now I was back home. Esme, Carlisle, everyone hovering around me. Only Renesmee wasn't in here. She went out with Jacob to play. It was for the better.

And the rest were trying to get something out of me. Carlisle thinking that maybe he should try to learn psychology and be my own psychologist, because it couldn't be anyone who would be human. "I'm fine", I said in a strained voice. I guess they didn't hear it even with their supernaturally good instincts. Or maybe I didn't say it at all. Can't I lie anymore? That would be bad. Terrible.

"It seems to us, Edward that you don't care what is happening. This all is tearing us all into pieces too, not only you. If you would just let somebody help you with your grief, then maybe we could all move on", Rosalie finally said what was rolling around in her blonde head.

"Let me go then, so I won't invade and violate your peace. I really don't want to bother you with my own problems", I replied matter-of-factly. "Yeah, so go then. We're not stopping you", Rosalie almost yelled angrily. It felt good for some reason. Someone finally punishing me for my mistakes. But it wouldn't be enough.

"Rosalie! That's no way to speak to your brother. He's in a very vulnerable stage and he doesn't deserve that. He needs his family now", Esme said with her motherly way. "Rosalie's right though. And I'm fine on my own anyway. I will be gone disturbing you now then", I told them all and stood up. My legs were shaky for some strange reason, but I didn't care. I stood with my will-power.

I started moving to the backdoor, but Carlisle stopped me taking my hand. "Please Edward. Don't leave us. We care for you and don't want you to be alone and feel so depressed. You could be happy. Happy with us", he said with a sorrowful impression on his face. I realized that he was actually begging me; in his thoughts and his words heavy with emotion.

I think I would have cried if I could, because I knew I would never be happy again. And I would never see them again. I already missed them deeply. I made myself strong so I could do what was best for them. "I'm sorry", I whispered. I silently squeezed hand for a moment and then turned around and walked out of the door. I could see their faces in their minds. They didn't know what was going to happen, as didn't I either. But we all had a feeling.

When no one could see me, I let myself collapse on the green ground and whimpered quietly. I closed my eyes, pain in my heart. But I stood up and barely made it back to the house and to the couch. I layed on it. There was fire in the fireplace and it warmed the house gently. I looked at the heart of the fire. Soon. Soon I would die as the fire. Fire that was ever so slightly starting to freeze out.

I had already made a letter for everyone I love. Left the most important things for them to hear and hear again when I wasn't around anymore to get to say them myself for them.

_Dear Renesmee, you were the last piece to me. You fulfilled me. And so I'm whole and done. You're everything to me. And with everything, I can finally leave. I know you will be fine. Jacob and the Cullens will take care of you and love you. And I, and Bella will always be there for you even when you can't see us. We will be there like we've always been. Loving you and giving everything we could possibly give to you. And I would have wanted to give you so much more, but I'm afraid this is all, but I hope it's enough. _

_With every bit of me I tell you that I love you and I'm so very sorry I had to leave this soon. I didn't want this, but it was unavoidable. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me sometime. And trust me, I won't forget you. Never. It would be impossible._

_And stay forever you, don't change for anyone, because you're best when you're yourself. No one else can be you. And it's you who I true to yourself. Please, I'm sorry. _

_With great love_

_Edward_

And so I let myself close my tired eyes with a sudden peaceness in my heart, because now they would know that I'll always love them even when I not here. And I knew that finally so would my soul find peace too when it would be intertwined with Bella's.

And so I said my farewells to the world and slept silently away.


	5. Chapter 5

Alice saw it. Maybe too late, but it wouldn't have helped anyway and she knew that deep in her heart. This had to happen. There wasn't anything to stop it

They brought him to their own house from the cottage and Emmett carried him onto their white couch. He gently laid him on it and then quickly took a few steps back beside Rosalie. He took a hold of her cold and motionless body. Her face was expressionless. Emmett's was gripping.

They all stand close to Edward. Letting it all just sink in. Edward had died. The impossible truth. He got out. He really was the most human of all of them.

Esme was the first one to say her farewells. She sat to her knees beside Edward. He looked like he was sleeping. So peaceful. No signs of pain on his beautiful face for the first time after Bella.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Edward. I feel terrible. I should have done something, should have seen that you were nowhere close to being alright. I knew you weren't, but I didn't know that it was this bad. You should have told us something, then maybe we could have helped you. My boy... I love you so much. I didn't want you to leave so soon. Never to be precise. You so unique, you earned forever", she said between racking sobs that weaved through her body.

Alice went by her side and put a hand on her shoulder. "Esme, he has forever. And now he will have it with Bella", Alice corrected her and also made her smile a bit. But Alice continued on her own. "But neither did I want you to go away from us. Little brother, we'll always love you and never forget every spark of joy you have brought to this family. We can only hope you get it all back too."

They both stood up, but kissed his forehead first with care.

Carlisle took it from there. "Son. You have been with me almost from the start. When I was so lonely and I had no one, I took you with me. I know this life hasn't been easy for you and so I can never repay you what you have done for me or to this family. I was afraid you were too young when I made you like I was. You were so sad. But then you found Bella and she really made you happy again. And I felt so happy for you too. And still you did so much for us. It's so much. You'll never be replaced, that is impossible. I really would have hoped that you would have stayed with us a little longer so we could have even tried to make you actually happy again. But you will be now. I know that. Maybe we can't have you anymore standing on the ground, but you'll always be with us still like always. In our hearts. My son, I love you so much. Thank you", Carlisle said and took Edward's hand and kissed his head.

Emmett who had been really silent went now. He took his hand and squeezed it hard. "I don't want you to leave us yet. Not now, not this sad. I want to see you happy again. I want to see you smile like you just to do. I want to hear you laugh. Come back to me little bro. Eddie, please come back", Emmett pleaded him with the most broken voice. Rosalie went to him. "It's going to be okay, Emmett. Now we can be sure he will be alright. Make your jokes, because you know that he likes them. We do too. And he will hear them. He's a mind reader after all. He has to hear. And he knows you want him here, but he's too much hurt. He can't. But he does still care for you Emmett", Rosalie tried to lighten up the situation a little bit. "But it's true, Edward. I know I haven't been the nicest person to you, but I love you very much. You're my brother and I don't want you to leave. But I guess it is the best for you. No more suffering", she finished.

Jasper came after them. "I know the best that life hasn't always served you the best. So much pain and sadness has come across your mind, but you have stayed strong for us. You deserve the good times and it's terrible that you didn't get them while you were alive. It's just not fair. But you got to leave and I know that then you will have them. You really do earn them and much more. Nothing else than happiness", Jasper would have teared up at that point if he only could have.

Renesmee was beside Esme, weeping. But she bravely gathered herself and walked to her father who was peacefully lying on the couch. She didn't have to kneel down as she was still so short, so she just stood by Edward's beautiful face.

"Dad", she started with nervous voice. She was scared she might say the wrong words, but then she understood that there couldn't be wrong words. Her dad haven't given her anything to complain or something she didn't want.

Renesmee took Edward's hand gently like he was the most fragile thing in the whole wide world. Then she started with a more steady voice. "I love you so much. You have only brought us happiness. You really do deserve it back. You have protected us and loved us as we love you. I hope you see mom and you two will be happy together. And I promise that even without you beside me here, I will be safe. I got all these lovely people around me that you have trusted for so many years, so you don't have to worry about me, though I know you will always do that. Putting everyone before you. You really don't need to", Renesmee even laughed a bit there. "I hope you will be happy. Bella and you. You deserve your forever even if it wasn't right here with us. But dad you will always be with me and mom too. I love you and I can never thank you enough for loving me too and making sure I know that. Being with me even when it was hard for you. Thank you that you stayed this long. It was worth it. I love you, Edward. We all do", she said. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She placed a kiss beside his lips and wrapped her tiny hands around him.

She wanted him to hug her as she hugged him and it hurt her to know she will never feel or hear him anymore. But then she remembered that she wasn't losing him or mom. They were always there even, when she didn't know about it.

...

They placed Edward beside Bella, who was buried in the center of their meadow. The sun was shining and the flowers glowed beautifully as Edward when the sun's rays made his skin sparkle like diamonds. Carlisle had carried him and now put him down to a white coffin that they then put right next to Bella's.

There was a white gravestone made of marble that glistened in the sunshine. It now read:

_Here lies the very loving and much loved couple _

_Bella Marie Swan Cullen and Edward Anthony Masen Cullen_

_Shall they find each other and happiness forever that they were promised_

_They will always be remembered and cherished with love_

_May they rest in peace _

This meadow will always be theirs. It really will.


End file.
